By: Nick Hook
[Minneapolis is home to a new rear end-related magazine called Hindquarterly, and Friday night was the release party for their first issues, “The Ass Issue.” HQ editor, Vinnie and the Stardusters drummer and HowWasTheShow guest writer Nick Hook was on the scene to host the party, and wrote this tale of the drunken debauchery and derriere celebration that ensued that evening at the Hexagon Bar.]
A quartet of writers and helpers trooped in around 8:30 to set up the mooning/photo booth for the evening. After Rosie (the Hex’s bar matron who, incidentally, was HQ writer Scott Biros’ lunch lady in grade school) gave the thumbs up to the moon booth project, a tripod was hurriedly erected, a privacy sheet was set up and lights were moved around to create the desired effect. Meanwhile, I “set up” the HQ donation box (placed it on a table in front of the stage) and put a stack of Hindquarterly magazines next to it.
Everybody milled about for a while, holding drinks in one hand and HQs in the other. It seemed like a chit-chatty cocktail party until someone cranked up some really terrible rock music over the PA, making conversation impossible. Thankfully, ZibraZibra soon took the stage. ZibraZibra consists of four high school-aged, computer savvy boys prancing about in Flock of Seagulls/track outfits and singing about the usual subjects for bands of this sort: robots, space aliens and what it’s like to not be on the football team.
People were dancing and having a good time. As ZibraZibra’s set was winding down, I became aware of the conspicuous absence of Berni the Trailer Park Queen (author of ass poetry, a rump roast recipe and the requisite object-up-ass article). Berni, who is also a parody musician, was slated to go on second in the ass party lineup. Liz, who booked the show, approached me wondering if Ms. Trailer Park had arrived. I admitted that I hadn’t seen her yet. Liz asked off-handedly whether I’d “confirmed” with her or not. I paled, realizing that I had not. I went to find my Vinnie and the Starduster band mates, as we now appeared to be the second band in the lineup.
As Vinnie was setting up our equipment, Berni’s guitar player, Dana, and his wife asked if maybe we should call her. I lent them my phone. After a short conversation, they told me that the Trailer Park Queen was “at work” and, indeed, had been unaware that she was part of the evening’s entertainment. The evening’s first mishap had reared its head.
Before Vinnie began its set, a short announcement was made concerning the mooning booth (which people had already begun to “use”) and the stack of HQs (which people had already begun to take) and the possibility, contingent on finding a volunteer, of a live plaster ass casting later in the evening. After the announcement, Vinnie began its first “song.”
At first the crowd seemed enthusiastic about Vinnie’s brand of Weird Al rip-off. However, after playing the song “Strom Thurmond was Raping a Slave,” some female voice in the audience yelled, “You guys suck!” Feedback of this sort being a fairly common Vinnie occurrence, the band paid the comment no mind. Little did anyone know that the insult was yelled in earnest and that we would soon be embroiled in a situation with the “author” of the slur.
To whit: right after Vinnie finished its final song (“I Wanna Fuck Your Mother-fucking Wife”), a young woman approached Vinnie lead vocalist John Perkins, demanding the mike. Perkins (unaware that this was the “You guys suck!” person) gave the microphone to the young woman who screeched, “Making jokes about rape and misogyny is not funny!” Most of the crowd, who assumed she was being ironic, began to hoot and clap. Confused, the woman loudly posed the question, “Who thinks singing about rape and misogyny is funny?” Now the whole audience really began to cheer and clap.
Not having elicited the response she was seeking, the young woman yelled into the mike, “Rape and misogyny is not funny!” Gearik, a longtime friend of HQ, drily responded and was immediately punched in the face by the young anti-rape/misogyny activist. During the ensuing melee, the woman kept yelling obscenities while Gearik smeared blood from his lip on her. At this point, Eric Dregni (guitarist for Vinnie and the Stardusters) took off in a hurry, perhaps fearing some legal retribution for the parody song-inspired altercation.
Gearik, still bleeding and mulling over pressing assault charges on the young woman (who left the bar shortly after her violent outburst) took the stage to ask if anyone knew the woman’s name. Apparently, nobody did. Gearik was wondering how best to get the woman to pay for any medical bills he might incur from the incident. However, after Nurse Missy (HQ’s colon expert) confirmed that he would probably not need stitches, Gearik opted to continue drinking and not pursue any legal action.
As the drama surrounding the assault died down, Neil [Zumwalde] from ZibraZibra approached the show’s booker, Liz, to volunteer his very own ass to be cast in plaster on stage. I, being the only experienced plaster ass-caster, was called upon to perform the act. I agreed, as long as someone else would be available to massage hand lotion onto Neil’s ass (a necessary step in the ass-casting process). Two strapping young men, also from ZibraZibra, enthusiastically volunteered for the job so we all took the stage.
Neil pulled down his “space suit” exposing a pair of decidedly human ass cheeks. His band mates then greased him up as the audience looked on, enthralled. Liz and I began laying moistened plaster strips across Neil’s rear end. We took turns poking the strips deep down into his ass crack (also a necessary step in the ass-casting process). When Neil’s ass was sufficiently covered, the audience helped dry the mold by blowing on it. However, when I informed everyone involved that it would probably take another 20 minutes for the mold to “set,” Neil was moved (table and all) off the stage to dry.
Next, Dance Band took the stage. The young booty-shakers were a truly perfect end to the evening, inspiring much dancing and drinking. So much drinking, in fact, that at some point one of HQ’s own writers managed to piss off the older gentleman bouncer and the tipsy young writer was promptly thrown out of the bar.
All in all, I’d have to say the first HQ launch party was a resounding success. The donation box had almost $40 dollars in it by the end of the night, Jake ended up with lots of pictures of random people’s genitalia (including one visible tampon string) from the mooning booth, Neil’s ass was immortalized in front of a crowd of dozens and at exactly 1:57 a.m….the donkey finally showed up! And boy, does my ass hurt!!!
Location Info:
Hexagon Bar
Artist Info: Dance Band, Vinnie and the Stardusters, ZibraZibra
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